Introduction to Cinematic Greatness

I would like to take a step back from the previous posts. I am a little disappointed with myself in terms of what I have been writing. I have seen myself on a downward spiral of comparing great books to silly movies, talking about how cool Jack Bauer is and discussing sandwiches. I feel as if I have some great ideas to bring forth, provocative ideas, but I have not been getting the chance. Over the past few months I have written a screenplay. I have been weary of releasing the entire thing on noseintheair, but decided tonight, thanks to booze, to post approximately the first five minutes of the script. Enjoy. (Note: If any part of the text below appears in a different color or has a date next to it, most likely it is a link. You are encouraged to explore all of the following links as they are actual links to actual movies or actors, courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/)

A quick little background: The past 10 years have seen a revolution in the film industry. That revolution has been lead by one fine actor. That actor's name is Buddy the Dog, a Golden Retriever from California. Buddy was made famous by filling in for Comet the Dog on the smash television show, Full House, while the original Comet was on vacation. Unbelievably, many critics list Buddy as a better Comet than the original, which led to a career-long rivalry between the two underrated actors. However, that is neither here nor there. Buddy began the Air Bud franchise in 1997 and would have carried it into the new millennium had it not been for his untimely death in 1998 after a long battle with cancer. It was decided before he died, however, that Buddy's character would be a multi-sport athlete and not just a basketball player. Much the same way Van Halen searched for a new lead singer after the departure of David Lee Roth in 1985, the creators of the Air Bud franchise had another important task: finding a replacement for Buddy. After a few sub-par stand-ins (see Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998) and Air Bud: World Pup (2000)), the studio landed a contract with Dakota for the fourth film of the franchise, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch (2002). Box office success and critical acclaim went directly to Dakota's head, as a result, the versatile actor demanded too much in salary and merchandising rights for the next film, Air Bud: Spikes Back (2003) and was denied the role. Many fans thought this was the end of the proud franchise. However, the legendary character has come back for a the most recent installment of the series, Air Buddies (2006). Not only does this work of art take a break from the sports themes of the prior installments, but for the first time we are exposed to Buddy's voice, as portrayed by the not-at-all-desperate-for-work, Tom Everett Scott.


Without further ado, I give you....

Air Bud 7: First Blood

<His old ways behind him, Buddy is serving as a seeing eye dog for a blind Buddhist Monk. While working at the monastery, Buddy receives a telegram informing him his former friend, Jack, the hockey playing/skateboarding/snowboarding primate from MVP (2000), MVP 2 (2001) and MXP (2003) has been kidnapped and forced to play for the North Korean hockey team. Patriotically refusing to perform, the chimpanzee was brutally tortured to death and a video tape of the execution was sent to the major American news stations. Flags are at half-mast.>

Buddhist Monk: Buddy, you know what the right thing to do is.
Buddy: Woof-woof, arf!
Buddhist Monk: Buddy! What have you learned in the last 7 years! Violence never solves anything!
Buddy: Bark!
Buddhist Monk: What the North Koreans done cannot be undone, so stop thinking about it.
Buddy: Woof-Woof!
Buddhist Monk: Buddy, you have always been your own person, and I cannot control what you are about to do. What is important is that you know the right thing and act upon it.
Buddy: Grrrrr!

On Sandwiches...

I had a little late night grub with some of friends last night. What I ate, which will be described below, inspired this entry about some of the most unhealthy sandwiches (and the stories behind them) I have ever come across. Strap on your seatbelt for this culinary adventure that will take you across the United States!

Last night- The Bomb from Cherry Valley Deli in West Hempstead, NY. This immaculate creation features grilled steak, bacon, cheddar, onion rings and gravy all on a toasted garlic hero (which basically means on garlic bread). Thank goodness they do not have a website with a calorie calculator because I am estimating it to be in the 1600+ range. Coincidentally, this 24-hour Long Island deli could also serve as a Pringles' Museum as it had a bigger selection of the tennis-ball-canned potato chips than I have ever seen before.

2004ish- The deep-fried stuffed cheeseburger from Tuckers Tavern in New Orleans, LA. This and the following sandwich should help to explain why New Orleans is consistently ranked as one of the most unhealthy cities in the United States and why I gained 40 or so pounds while living there. Anyway, I had been hearing about a restaurant with deep-fried cheeseburgers for a while during my New Orleans experience. I thought it was a myth, but when I was a senior I found what I was missing. Tucker's Tavern is a hidden gem in the city located near the Superdome. It is far enough off the beaten path that it mostly caters to locals and a few lucky visitors. It is more of a bar than a restaurant and it has a normal menu, with the exception of the deep-stuffed cheeseburger page. They had about 8 or 10, all of which I tried, but I will fill you in on my favorites:

• The Club - A half pound of ground sirloin stuffed with roast beef, ham, turkey, bacon and cheese. This is then battered and deep-fried. To top it off, it was then dredged in ranch dressing. I have no idea why they took this last step and only my arteries have bothered complaining about it.
• The Cajun - A half pound of ground sirloin stuffed with bacon, spicy cajun sausage and cheese. Once again, battered and deep-fried. It was dredged in hot sauce.

I am sure you are intrigued and your mind may be trying to grasp how this is possible. Basically, these burgers looked like a giant crabcake on a bun. And you guessed it- they were delicious.

2003ish - A French Fry Po' Boy at some shack in Chalmette, LA. I don't remember the specifics of this incident. It was from my New Orleans days, which are a little hazy at best. Anyway, Chalmette is a small town about 25 minutes east of New Orleans. I can't remember the name of the restaurant where I got this monster at, but it was near the water and I heard Chalmette got hit fairly hard by Katrina so it may no longer be there, but lets hope for the best. I remember it was a hot day and I was sweating like a whore in church, which, with the sheer volume of the sandwich, helped to absorb the 14 beers I drank and make it safe for me to drive home. Anyway, a Po' Boy is a sandwich on French bread, much like a 'Hero' in the northeast. This French Fry Po' Boy consisted of a loaf of french bread, buttered and mayonaised, topped with French fries and melted cheese. I am pretty sure it had gravy on it as well. Needless to say, this sandwich has not been endorsed by Dr. Atkins.

1999ish - The Octal-Octal from In-N-Out Burger in Phoenix, AZ. All right, I made this sandwich up. It is not on the menu, but I did order it. Back when I was in high school, a burger chain from California (In-N-Out) made local headlines by opening a few locations in Phoenix. Everyone loves In-N-Out for its friendly service and great fast food burgers. For the first few months, going to an In-N-Out meant waiting in line for 90 minutes before ordering since the Valley of the Sun could not get enough of these heavenly burgers. The prices 8 years ago may or may not be the same. They had an unadvertised special at In-N-Out was $1.50 for a the first patty and $1 for each additional hamburger patty. Most people stop at the famous "Double-Double" which is two patties. If you have never eaten at an In-N-Out, the hamburgers are of fair size, approximately equivalent to a quarter-pounder from McDonalds. I got to thinking about the record books and inquired to the drive thru attendant (after a 90 minute wait) what was the most patties someone has ever ordered. The answer was something ridiculous like 23. As my group of friends' resident heavy eater, I was dared into gluttony. I conservatively went for 8 patties, hence the name Octal-Octal. I ate the entire thing and an order of French Fries and considered it one of my crowning achievements at the time. Also, In-N-Out's website (http://www.in-n-out.com/) has a nutritional chart. A single cheeseburger has 480 calories while a Double-Double has 670. Assuming a single patty is 190 calories (670-480), the Octal-Octal has an astonishing 1810 calories. Which, at my height and weight would take over 2 hours of running on the treadmill at 6 MPH to burn off.

Lastly on my list is a sandwich I have never had, but have only dreamed about. My friend Evan works for the Gateway Grizzlies, a Minor league baseball team located in Sauget, IL, just outside St. Louis. Evan gave me the heads up back in the beginning of 2006 on this next sandwich, which soon made headlines with obese people everywhere. It is the Krispy Kreme bacon Cheeseburger. Basically it is a bacon cheeseburger served on a Krispy Kreme donut instead of a bun. Here is a link to a better description and picture- http://www.gatewaygrizzlies.com/news/?id=2743.
If you are ever in Sauget, stop by and check out the 2003 Frontier League champions and you may run into me trying my first Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger.