Pack up and get the F*#% out!

I noticed I haven't posted in about 5 months, and I've heard a couple or three complaints about the lack of posting, so i figured I would write something especially now that school has started again and the weather has cooled and I have free time.

The Summer of 2007 was my first summer not in Arizona since I was a little kid. For those of you that aren't aware, Phoenix is not the place to be in June, July and August. Just about the only fun thing to do there during those months is to pack up and get the f*%# out. Anyhow, I feel like I have done a fair amount, and I kept a journal (not at all) and decided to write about this past summer.

I actually flew back to Phoenix from Islip airport on Long Island in the beginning of June. Islip airport is easily the easiest airport in the New York Metropolitan area and it is highly recommended. Also Southwest flies there for you budget conscious folk.

Anyway, I didn't spend much time in Phoenix and was only there to pick up a 1998 Cadillac Catera and drive it back to the East Coast. This was probably the most exciting part of my summer and something I will always remember. I consider driving across the country a right of passage as an American and recommend everyone try it. Although I wouldn't recommend doing it alone.

Upon reading this blog, I realize that it sounds like it is part advertising for Islip airport and part fruity, boring reflection. I will change that.

The first day of my drive took me across the Southwest through Northeastern Arizona and across New Mexico. I stopped in a little town called Tucumuncari, which is about halfway between Albuquerque and Amarillo. Just so you know if your town's claim to fame is that it is halfway between Albuquerque and Amarillo, it could be time to pack up and get the F%*# out. There was nothing to do in this town, and all of the motels looked like the places one would pull in to either commit suicide or disembowel a drifter. I found a somewhat classy motel, and by somewhat classy I mean only two shopping carts in the swimming pool, and bedded down for the night.

The hotel also had a bar, which I ate dinner in and had a few beers at, hoping to rub elbows with the locals. I can't stand eating at a table by myself, and there is something less lonely about eating at a bar. That and they usually have a television on. There was an assortment of truckers and travelling salesmen types at the bar and no one was particularly friendly. This was until some guy bought shots of Tuaca (an orange/vanilla liquer) for the entire bar. (By entire bar I mean 5 people if you count the bartender). The guy quickly informed the antisocial crowd that he was the "Tuaca sales representative for Northeastern New Mexico". He used the word the as if he really earned that title. I asked him just how much Tuaca Northeastern New Mexico consumed, to which he answered, "you'd be surprised." He was probably right. I left the bar, bought a 24 ounce can of beer at a gas station and retired for the night.

My next night I made it as far as Tulsa, Oklahoma. This was the biggest city I had come across since leaving Phoenix. I stayed at a Red Roof Inn, this time the pool worked and immediately set about getting the party started. By getting the party started, I mean I went to the Applebee's next door to the Red Roof and ate the Cajun grilled Tilapia and had 3 beers. This took me until about 6:30 pm. I flipped through the newspaper and noticed there was a mall with a movie theatre just around the corner, with a few movies I had wanted to see playing at convenient times.

At the mall I settled on seeing "Vacancy" with Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsdale. I will get to that story later. I had about 40 minutes to kill and ended up at a Mexican cantina/restaurant across from the theatre (still in the mall) and had a margarita before the show. One thing I will say about Tulsa is the women there are very attractive, at least the ones I saw. There were three sitting next to me at the bar in this Mexican place and were all having a good time. Needless to say, the creepy guy drinking margaritas and about to see "Vacancy" by himself didn't have much of a shot. Well, that and I didn't even bother talking to them.

I am convinced that "Vacancy" (those of you who aren't familiar with this film, it is the one about where Luke and Kate end up at a motel in the middle of no where and the motel owners are sadistic killers and there is all sorts of suspense, etc. etc. etc.) is one of the top three worst movies to see when you are embarking on a cross-country road trip. The others being "The Hitcher" and maybe "Joyride". Now sufficiently rattled and barely two-thirds of the way through my journey I walk out of the movie theater and decide to get drunk before going to bed. This takes me to the bar at Outback Steakhouse. 1,000 miles from home and in a city where I don't know anyone, I get pretty tore up. Outback doesn't typically pour shots of Jameson, but they did this faithful night. And although the bar was chock-ful of pretty ladies, they gave the creepy guy shooting Jameson the same sort of attention as they would Buffalo Bill.

I wake up the next morning feel like crap and decide to pack up and get the F%#* out. I make it through about 100 miles of Northeastern Oklahoma when I play blackjack at a local casino. The casino was garbage and charged $0.50 a hand to play blackjack. I have never seen anything like it and thought it was garbage. Beign the economics major, I realize that I have to play big each hand to get my money's worth. I mean playing $3 a hand when you are being charged $0.50 doesn't make much fiscal sense, right? Anyway I win $50, which could have been $54.50 if it hadn't of been in stupid Oklahoma, and continue on my way.

After getting lost and a brief traffic jam in Arkansas, I end up at a little past the halfway point, St. Louis, MO. This was nice since I have a few friends in the StL, this would temporarily end the lonely aspect of my drive.

My Thursday through Sunday in St. Louis was a typical weekend for me- pretty much drinking and breaking various local open container and public urination ordinances, and was otherwise uneventful.

I did have what I believe to be one of the most unhealthy day of my life, however. I think it was a Saturday where I began the day with a half rack of ribs, some coleslaw and a bud light. Consistently drinking all day, I ended up purchasing some fried dumplings from a street vendor in the early afternoon. That evening I went to a Gateway Grizzlies (a minor league team in Sauget, IL[on a related note, Sauget may be my favorite town in the United States, for exactly why could be another blog entry]) baseball game and completed "Baseball's best grand slam".
"Baseball's best grand slam" consisted of a bratwurst stuffed with swiss cheese, a hot dog topped with nacho cheese sauce, bacon and maybe chili, a deep fried White Castle slider and (some of you may remember this from my sandwich piece back in January or February) the Krispy-Kreme bacon cheeseburger. I ate the entire thing in 9 innings and have the t-shirt to prove it. After the game I continued drinking, then wanted Taco Bell on the way home but no one would stop. That Saturday may have been pushing the 10,000 calorie day which I have often proselytized about. I mean it is up there with 14 pina-colada Mondays in college or those occasional times where I run through a buffet like the firebombing raids on Tokyo in 1945.

This explains why on Sunday I only made it as far as Springfield, OH which is still 12 hours away from New York. This was where I watched the Soprano's finale. Apart from that, you know what else is fun to do in Springfield, Ohio? Pack up and get the F#%$ out. This is why I left at about 5:30 in the morning, which got me into New York just as rush hour was starting. I would like to say that this was where the fun part of the road trip ended, but the road trip stopped being fun a lot earlier than that.